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One of my daughters, Monica Moore Smith, was recently divorced after an abusive marriage. This week she was kindly hosted by her friend, Al Fox Carraway, on her Instagram channel to engage in a Q&A session with Al's followers.
Here is the IGTV video and below I will add the resources Monica mentions and recommends to help you if you are in (or think you are in or have been in or someone you love has been in…) an abusive relationship. I've added a few of my own, too.
Monica Moore Smith's Instagram Takeover for Al Carroway — Abuse & Divorce Q&A
I'm so proud of Monica for her courage as she moves forward. She has always been such a kind, loving soul and to see her pain and be unable to do anything to stop it has been gut wrenching. It is such a relief that she is safe and free.
If you know of resources for parents of abuse victims/survivors, I would love to hear about them in the comments!
Abuse
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Lundy Bancroft
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
Patricia Evans
Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman's Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
Natalie Hoffman
The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
Beverly Engel
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can—and Should—be Saved
Lundy Bancroft, JAC Patrissi
Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men
Lundy Bancroft
Boundaries
Beyond B****y: Mastering the Art of Boundaries
Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Boundaries in Marriage
Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships
Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Narcissism
About a year into the marriage, I realized Monica's husband wasn't just immature, insecure, possessive, controlling, and clueless—but that he was actually a narcissistic abuser, something I wasn't familiar with in anything other than a very peripheral way.
Monica wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about her experiences (doing so would violate “confidentiality”), but my husband and I witnessed enough of the bizarre behavior and watched our daughter shrink away.
We were not the targets of the abuse. Rest assured, abuse has collateral damage that is rarely addressed. The worst part for us was being powerless to change the situation and stop the abuse.
This is a playlist of some of the videos that were helpful for me in understanding what was happening to her.
As an aside, when I created this playlist they were still married and I was so afraid for her. Although I don't think he ever really watched my YouTube videos or perused my channel, I still labeled the playlist Z and then figured out how to make it private. I knew if he saw it, she would pay the price.
Today I made it public. I will add to the playlist periodically as I come across more useful videos. Please add any recommendations in the comments.
Healing from Abuse
Healing from Hidden Abuse
Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women
Lundy Bancroft
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Bessel van der Kolk
Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You
Henry Cloud
Therapy
If you are being abused, please seek a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse.
“Marriage counseling” is not a solution for abuse and may make the abuse worse. Please seek references in your area for individual counseling.
Alison Moore Smith is a 60-year-old entrepreneur. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 39 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons.
She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Join her on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, X, and (barely) TikTok.
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