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Let's just get this out of the way right up top. The vast majority of people can homeschool. They just don't want to. And the vast majority of homeschoolers don't care.
Debating a 6-Year-Old
I was a 30-year-old college graduate and mother of three (6,3,1) with a desktop publishing home business when my precocious (and verified “gifted”) oldest daughter began harassing me to homeschool her. I countered with the “facts” that all homeschoolers are freaks and weirdos, that she would have no friends, that I didn't have the time or temperament, and everything else you can imagine.
She won.
Then I had to figure out what in the world to do.
Generational Brainwashing
After much thrashing about and many sleepless nights â and actual research and practice â I came to the realization that we have all been brainwashed. (Myself included, as anyone who knew me pre-homeschooling can attest.) With combined forces of the NEA and other state and local teacher's unions, government bureaucrats and layers of bureaucracy, level after level of administration, teachers themselves, and anyone else with livelihoods and power bases dependent on the government education system, we have been taught for decades that we can't educate our children and that we need “experts” to tell us what is best and what must be learned.
The disastrous new Common Core is just one more manifestation of this.
This miseducation has persisted generationally to the point that parents, too, are complicit in the lie. They claim â and actually believe â that educating children is beyond the scope or regular parenting. Expertise â in the form of largely meaningless degrees â is needed to properly educate.
These parents claim only some, select few parents can really manage the Herculean task â and often concede that point just to avoid saying what they really think about those awful parents who “deprive” their children of public school. They believe it “takes a village” of education majors to get the job done, along with lots of taxpayer money from other people.
Even in so-called “conservative” states, when it comes to cries for more money for education, no one thinks it's ever enough.
Hogwash.
Requirements to Homeschool
It's not rocket science. In general, there are only four real requirements to educate your children at home at least as well as education majors do in an institution. Here they are:
Reasonably Good Health
If you are chronically ill and incapacitated, it will probably be an impediment to home education.
Although I do know at least two women â both dying of cancer â who homeschooled until the end of their lives, it was difficult and required an extraordinary amount of commitment. They went above and beyond what most would, and probably could, do.
For the record, I've had chronic sinusitis since 1998. It was unaffected by endoscopic sinus surgery. It's stinks, but that's not the kind of thing I'm talking about. If you're relatively able-bodied and functional, you're good to go.
Average IQ or Thereabouts
The average IQ is 100. Here are the approximate IQs of those generally labeled as “qualified” to teach:
- Kindergarten/elementary school: 85â121
- High school: 92-124
If you'd accurately be characterized as an airhead or fairly slow at figuring things out, homeschooling might not be for you. Or, better said, it might not be for you alone. You might need help â readily available â to make sure your kids are progressing academically.
Conscientious Attitude
Here are some homeschooling deal breakers:
- Your children don't respect your authority and won't listen to you â and you have no intention of changing this
- You really can't stand to be around your kids all day â and you will not work toward creating better relationships
- You aren't “patient enough” to homeschool â and you see no reason to learn to deal better with frustration
- You don't want the mess involved in education â and you don't want to learn how to better manage it
- Changing your lifestyle to accommodate your children would make you angry and resentful â and you won't resolve to adjust your attitude in the matter
- You have lots of children â and you think learning to manage multiple ages is too onerous
- You don't want to take on the responsibility â and won't adjust your desires
- There are other personal problems â and you don't want to fix them
Availability
There are ample examples of people who work and homeschool. I've been working from home since 1987 (now running a website setup service, blogging professionally, and also as the CFO of an engineering company), but others work outside the home.
If you are willing to figure out the logistics, this can be done, but if there isn't someone home and someone who can make themselves available on a regular basis, homeschooling might not be an option. This is particularly true with younger children.
“Normal” Children
Children who truly have special needs may require special help. Children with enormous, out-of-the-norm behavioral problems or those with physical, mental, or emotional disabilities may not be best served in a homecshooling environment.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
We Just Want to Help
The truth is, most people can homeschool, they just really don't want to.
If you tell homeschoolers you don't want to homeschool, most will shrug and say, “Fine.” For the most part, we really don't care what you do with your family.
If you tell them you can't because X, they are likely to try to help you solve X. (As any good friend would!) And then, the non-homeschooler, usually gets angry and defensive and comes up with another X that is the supposed cause. (That we also try to solve. And that also results in anger and defensiveness.)
Homeschoolers have “in jokes,” too. Many of them revolve around all the reasons people come up with for not homeschooling when they get in that do-not-make-me-feel-guilty-because-you-homeschool-and-I-do-not mode.
Most of these excuses come unsolicited from public school parents who feel the need to justify their non-homeschooling status when they find out we homeschool. As if we care. (A reaction which speaks more to some kind of internal guilt than it does to extreme external pressure to homeschool.)
“Oh, I'm just not patient enough to homeschool.”
To which I want to scream, “Look at who you're talking to, lady????”
Honestly, when I didn't homeschool, it was because I thought homeschooling was stupid, lame, unpatriotic, and generally unsound. I never justified my aversion of homeschooling to anyone. And even if I'd thought it was a decent alternative that just wasn't for me, I still wouldn't have justified not doing it. I don't ever say to my friends, “Oh, my, I think it's awesome that you can manage having your kids take tuba lessons. We're just not meant for tuba.”
So if you don't want to homeschool â which is generally the case â just go with the honest answer. Because otherwise we will assume that you really think X is a barrier, when most Xs aren't, and we'll try to help remove the barriers.
Solving X
Recently a friend, Shelly Davis, shared a link to my 12 Steps to Start Homeschooling Tomorrow essay on Facebook. She accompanied it by this comment:
Shelly Davis
I liked this article. I've never told anyone this secret before butâŠit really is this easy. Getting up early, dealing with schedules, costly fees, problems with teachers, other kids, administrators, disagreeable subject matter & teaching methods, that's hard.
One of her friends responded with this:
Commenter
I've got to think the more kids you have the more complicated it becomes. Having a newborn and a high-schooler as well as a few in between just would never work for me! And I've gotta say that it's good for kids to learn schedules, and they definitely wouldn't learn that well from me!
Me
[Name], I'm the author. I have six kids with a 16-year span. Yes, I did the high schooler with a newborn and four in between. đ
You see? I think I'm helping her solve her X. She thinks having five kids â with a newborn and a high schooler â means you can't homeschool. I did it, so I know that's not the case. But she didn't like my answer. (Even though I added a smiley!!!)
Commenter
That's awesome that you're way more capable than I am. Just realize that this is a talent/gift that many of us don't have.(And lest you think I'm a total downer, I have talents in many other areas that you probably don't. It's the joy of differences.)
OK, yes. That was my point exactly. I am way more capable than you, you big fat loser woman. Go die. And also, yes, homeschooling is just a magical gift from the sky. Not a choice that includes sacrifice and personal change.
I responded with no semblance of brevity (brevity being one of the very few magical gifts that was not bestowed to me from on high).
Me
[Name], not to be argumentative (not that I mind being argumentative, mind you), but no, it's not a gift and if it's a talent, for most of it is hard won.
I'm not a “kid” person at all. And I'm not a cute crafty homemaker. I hate most domestic things and I'm not patient or any of that. Of course we both have different talents (I'm a computer nerd and a singer.) But that really has nothing to do with being able to educate your own children.
The truth is, teacher's unions and schools have â no hyperbole â brainwashed people into thinking educating children is rocket science. It's not. At all. It's elementary. (And junior and senior.)
For example, you said, “And I've gotta say that it's good for kids to learn schedules, and they definitely wouldn't learn that well from me!”
- Apparently schools didn't teach you schedules after all?
- Why do they need to learn schedules if you didn't?
- Are you saying that you can't accomplish anything without a schedule (and what does that imply about you?)
- Are you saying that you think schedules are important but you are incapable of creating and/or following one?
Please don't be offended by the questions. I'm honestly not trying to be offensive, but those questions naturally follow from your statement and they beg to be answered.
It's not about who is most patient or who is the best teacher (augh â I think el ed is the most useless major on earth â shoot me) or who can do bulletin boards or who can juggle stuff.
Frankly, as Shelly brought up, dealing with lousy teachers, inane curriculum, bullying, PTA, school board, schedules written by idiots, rules that are nonsense, constant peer pressure, and now the fedsâŠis much more arduous than teaching a kid to read. Seriously.
So, here you go. I'll put this out there (I warned you I don't mind being argumentative). Any parent who is marginally intelligent and conscientious can homeschool with results better than schools. I understand that not everyone wants to, but that's an entirely different issue.
Here response was almost as lengthy as mine. (Not that I mind, you know, being in the non-brevity club with some other bright women.) But at least I included paragraph markers. (I blame Facebook for keeping the “how to make paragraphs in comments” a secret.)
I'll only post what I think is relevant of her comment, but if she sees this and think I took her comments out of context, I'll be happy to add it all in. She mentioned that she was smart enough to homeschool and that she could actually keep a schedule. Then said:
Commenter
However, I can't keep six schedules at the same time (mine and five kids).
I didn't respond on the Facebook thread again, but I'll post my answers here. She's given me an X again. And an X begs to be solved. So, here it goes, even though she probably doesn't want to hear it.
She already does keep six schedules at once.
True, her current six schedules might not be as involved as my seven schedules were â given that her kids are gone a huge chunk of the day, half of the year. But I'm assuming she knows where they are when they are gone. And I assume when they have presentations or homework or tests or early days or days off or whatever, she knows about it. I assume if they are in scouts or swimming or piano lessons, she knows about it. Which means she is keeping six schedules.
If she really wants help keeping an educational schedule, I could give it to her. As could about a billion other homeschool moms of many kids with a wide age range. Or she could attend one of my organizing workshops. Or read one of about 400,000 articles on the subject. Again, it's not rocket science. (I use an excel spread sheet.) But it does take some time.
So, no, I don't think it's because she can't keep six schedules. More likely she doesn't know how to do so now and isn't interested in learning and employing this skill.
Commenter
There is no way that you're teaching the teenager and the baby the same things â and with constant pre-schooler interruptions I've started to feel like I have ADHD since I can't concentrate on anything.
I'm unsure why she needed to assert that babies and teenagers aren't learning the same thing. That's probably obvious to all. But are there ways to deal with educating a teenager with a pre-schooler who interrupts? Again, it's a matter of educating yourself. I would hazard a guess that how to homeschool with preschoolers is in the top 10 all time with regards to number of articles written to address it.
In truth, it's not much different than how you manage a preschooler and a high schooler in any other situation, but there are ample places to learn how others address this (very real) issue. If you want to learn how.
Commenter
I agree with you 100 percent that what you know is hard-won knowledge — which is contrary to your original post about how “easy” it is to homeschool. If I wanted to do it right, it would take a lot of effort (to start and to maintain).
She's either conflating issues or people. My post actually said it was easy to start homeschooling. It is. And something being “hard-won” doesn't mean it's out of the scope of normalcy or possibility. It means that being a good parent means changing yourself for your child. Like learning to be patient and learning to manage multiple schedules.
I finished the Insanity workout last summer. That was hard. I ran a marathon to celebrate my 40th birthday. That was hard. Learning to extend schedules to include topical matter? Not so much.
X Goes Down the Rabbit Hole
Commenter
However, I know I could do it if I was meant to. However, some of us are not meant to homeschool.
No idea. But I can tell you, I was not meant to pay taxes or go to bed before 3:00 am. Or to refrain from chocolate. But I digress.
Commenter
And although your hard-won knowledge took time, some people really are naturally more organized, better educators, more strict with their children, etc. and that is not something that should not be minimized.
Apparently this woman believes â I think I'm reading this correctly, since the segue from the last comment to this was immediate and within the same paragraph â that those who can be said to be more organized, better educators, and/or more strict (by some criteria I'm unsure of) are those who are “meant” to homeschool.
I don't recall anyone minimizing such qualities, but, again, the assumption that those who take the responsibility to homeschool (or who are “meant” to do so) are those who naturally have these qualities is just b.o.g.u.s.
I teach organizing classes because it wasn't natural and I had to learn how to do it in spite of my natural affinity for chaos. I had no idea who to manage six schedules, let alone seven, so I read a book to figure it out. Now I teach my modifications.
Commenter
âŠall of the kids get a much broader knowledge base than I would give them (since I tend to do as little as possible, and sadly educating my kids wouldn't be any different) â and they get educated by people who are excited about the subject they're teaching.
And there it is. As I say above (under “Conscientious Attitude), if you “tend to do as little as possible” and don't intent to change, then I agree homeschooling isn't for your family. But let's admit that's a choice, not an immovable barrier.
As for being excited â that's another X â here's the solution. Choose one.
- If the subject isn't exciting, why would you make your kids learn it?
- If the subject is exciting, but you're a dolt, give yourself a kick in the backside and get excited.
Bottom line. There truly are not very many people who cannot homeschool. There are millions upon millions who do not want to. We'll avoid a lot of arguing and misunderstanding if you just tell the truth at the top.
Alison Moore Smith is a 60-year-old entrepreneur. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 39 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons.
She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Join her on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, X, and (barely) TikTok.
This is brilliant. This issue really bothers me and I could never put my finger on it. Why do people get so defensive all the time? You nailed it.
I think they get defensive because they don’t WANT to homeschool and they feel guilty about that. Not even that they always think it would be best (I don’t think most of them know enough about it to decide) but that they feel neglectful that they WANT to send their kids off to the institution to do the job or that they don’t even want to consider homeschooling because they have things they find more interesting and important than educating their kids, but they can’t figure out how to defend that. I mean, what’s more important than educating your kids?
Where do you come off telling people what they can do? Your such an arrogant bitch.
Love it! Truth at last!
ProudLiberal, you may be right, but at least I’m an arrogant bitch who is courageous enough to put her real name on her posts and comments. So there’s that!
mellorme, I think you make a good point. Although I’m sure there are varying reasons for the defensiveness (because, honestly, I know very, very few homeschoolers who really evangelize homeschooling without prodding), I do think many feel guilty about not homeschooling â or at least about refusing to consider it.
When I’m around public school parents, there is an awful lot of complaining about schools, administrators, teachers, curriculum, etc. And with Common Core, there’s a literal national outcry. Still, most people just don’t want to deal with homeschooling.
Sometimes I wonder just how bad schools have to get before people will give them up. But no matter how far the line moves, people keep saying, “Well, it’s not THAT bad.” It often seems like the proverbial frog in the pot of cold water.
Loved the article and how you can put it in just the right words. You definitely have permission to use my name.
Thanks, Shelly! An edit is on the way. đ
For years I tried to fight the feeling that my kids needed to be homeschool because I didn’t think I could do it. Well, I have been doing ut now for 3 years and it has been the most amazing experience in strengthening my family. I periodically muse abiut sendibg them back to daycare all day so that I can have “me” time, but then I remember the morning stress, after school “time to battle the homework monster” and all of the other REQUIREMENTS made on my time and money just have that me time and I think “Nope, THIS is the life!”
Clap! Clap! Clap! Standing ovation!
I love how you just lay it out there…
I WISH I could work and homeschool at the same time, but I can’t. So I choose my children over extras like a 2nd car, like a big home, like quad runners, vacations etc… So we homeschool on a shoestring budget!
I also have homeschooled while having epilepsy (seizures), 2 difficult pregnancies where I was on bed rest, through babies and toddlers, fybromialgia, PTSD, etc…etc…etc…
I can be done! It’s a choice. Choosing not to is a choice as well.
Debbi
I agree that most people can homeschool, if they want to. They have the ability, they just need the desire. There are so many resources available now to help. I had a friend that was homeschooling but the math was over her head. She would just stay a couple of lessons ahead of her child and use YouTube to learn the material. Then she taught her child.
Of course the education organization as a whole is against homeschooling. It is taking away their job and money.
Great article.
Thanks for the kind words, friends. Your input is appreciated.
Kathleen, I think you’re right. And you know what, I don’t really care if people don’t want to homeschool. That’s their business. Just don’t tell me there’s some other enormous barrier.
And, yes, if the department of ed and teacher’s unions were about educating kids instead of about power and money, it would be an entirely different story.
This is such an accurate depiction of the public vs homeschool conversation I frequently find myself in and am growing increasingly desirous to avoid. I honestly do not care how other mothers choose to educate their children. Why, then, do they constantly feel the need to justify their choice to me when they find out I am homeschooling my own? I sincerely hope I’m not giving off such judgemental vibes. I did have a new X presented in the conversation a few weeks ago when the mother said, “All the homeschool kids I know are just really stupid.” To which I replied, “You know, that is a really unfortunate co-incidence.” What else could you say, really? In the same conversation I learned that this mother had no awareness whatsoever of common core. So….that’s kind of awkward, too. Where do you start? It’s easier for me just to change the subject and skirt the public vs homeschool debate altogether.
Wait, a women who KNOWS you homeschool said that to you? Wah! Your answer was perfect.
Homeschoolers overall perform well above the public school average in testing, so either the woman is lying, making biased judgments, or, as you said, she has some magical, consistent coincidences in her life.
About four of my kids are ĂŒber outgoing and two are shy. When people meet my outgoing kids, they always say, “Wow, s/he doesn’t act like a homeschooler!”
I assume that they assume my shy 1/3 are the “normal homeschoolers”?
All my kids are very academically bright. Is that “normal homeschooler” or not? (Statistically, it’s the norm, but we don’t seem to get credit for that.)
My biggest beef is that homeschool kids’ personalities are judged as being indicative of homeschooling, while public school kids’ personalities are not. Good heavens, do you know any public school kids who are weird, odd, backward, shy? UmâŠdozens.
In my experience, a kids’ “weirdness” is about 92% a function of their parents’ weirdness and nothing more. My own included.
Did you see this yesterday? Homeschool students do well first time in college
I think that where a child is educated is a family decision. I know many people who have successfully home schooled their kids and they all are grown with great jobs.
It insulted me a bit that you think that teachers don’t support home schooling. I am a teacher and I have nothing against home schooling.
Paula, it’s a general statement, obviously not to include every teacher on earth. If you support homeschooling, that’s great! I’d love to have you write a guest post about that perspective! But understand “having nothing against homeschooling” isn’t the same thing as supporting it. I know lots of teachers who tolerate it, but few â almost none â who actually support it. And even fewer who will publicly express that support. :/ And most of those do so only in unusual circumstances, not as a general rule.
You might be interested in Family Matters, a book written by a man who is a schoolteacher â along with his wife â and they homeschool. Now that is a teacher who supports homeschooling! đ
In general, teachers do think that schools are the best place to educate kids and do think that their degrees make them more qualified to teach. Stats don’t bear that out. Generally speaking, education degrees have more to do with classroom management and administration than subject content, so it’s almost irrelevant to educating a specific child.
Don’t take that wrong. My degrees in theater management (mostly business), so the same can be said of MY degree. It’s not a personal assault, just an actual observation about the scope of the degree.
For the record, the majority of el ed majors also choose the major to avoid upper level math. (See research by Sells, et al.) Again, not true of all teachers, but a very disturbing stat if you want your kids to excel in math.
Interesting. We just started homeschooling this September, and we really feel good about it. However despite my desire, I struggle with ADD & depression, so it’s really hard for me to be consistent.
Emily, good for you. I’d say that depression could certainly fall under the health category.
This article really hits steps on my toes. I currently have a 4 year old who will be attending preschool at a local church again next year because she won’t be old enough for kindergarten. I don’t want her in public school. I don’t want to deal with common core. I don’t want her to stress over ridiculous standardized tests. I don’t want her exposed to inappropriate stuff at school.
BUT.
I am by nature a bit selfish. I can admit it. I quite enjoy my free time when she is at preschool and my mother in law even keeps her a couple of days a week because they love having her around. I am not a structured person and fear that my laziness will affect her lessons and staying on track. I am not concerned about knowledge base – I don’t feel inadequate to teach her, I just feel like if this were a job interview they probably wouldn’t hire me, if that makes sense. It’s ben a constant mental battle for a while now because I have tons of support – I have many, many friends who homeschool and could offer support. I know there are some great co-ops locally. I’m just being selfish. I guess that’s my X and I am not sure where to begin in overcoming it. This is probably why I’ve struggled with weight my whole life – these crazy willpower issues.
Brandi, I love you!
My dear woman, you have your hand on the key! You understand what the issue is, you’re not in crazy-woman denial, and you really do have your child’s best interest at heart. So, kick yourself in the backside and do what you know is best for her. Find ways so that you can like it, too. Make it an adventure for both of you. Honestly possible.
Hope you’ll keep in touch. In fact, I would LOVE to hear that you’ve decided to homeschool and work through these issues and want to write all about it here. đ
I ran across your article by typing, “I don’t want to homeschool” into Google. I was looking for a pep talk of sorts. Chalk me up as a parent who doesn’t want to homeschool. I will, this year, because, I feel, there are no other options out there that are doable for us right now.
We have two adult children in college who, during their K-12 schooling, spent some of it in public school, some in private, and even some homeschooling.
We now have a 5 year old. I have done so much research and know that a regular public or private school is not for us. I can’t even grit my teeth and send him off to a typical preschool.
After years of my reading and research, along with attending events where schooling is discussed, a Sudbury style school is what would work best for us with the youngest. The other two options would be a Waldorf or Montessori school. Where we live, we have none of those options. The closest Montessori school is 75 miles away, and would require me driving that every day. If we missed a day, it would be treated like an absence at a public school. Too many absences and we are reported truant. Never mind the compulsory age of attendance in this state is 7! Not going to work as I travel 600 miles every month or two to spend time with the adult children at their colleges.
The closest Waldorf homeschool co-op is 150 miles away. We have crunched the numbers over and over, and while it would be cheaper to get an apartment 150 miles away and drive back home on weekends, it is just a few hundred dollars out of our budget (at this time).
The nearest Sudbury school is over 300 miles away.
That said, my husband is looking to transfer and the city we are looking at has a Sudbury style school and I have been in contact with them over the past year.
The little one LOVES to play with other children, and thinks that is what school is. We all know that is NOT what a traditional school is. Because he is all boy, and could care less about sitting down for hours at a time, I REFUSE to make him do that. I don’t want to see his natural curiosity stifled.
So we will “homeschool” this year. I will try to make it as fun as possible. I lean towards the unschooling side of things (if the Sudbury school didn’t give that away LOL).
We moved from one of the nation’s largest cities, to a MUCH smaller area. In our old city, there are park days every day of the week. Here, there is one co-op, once a week, and even then not geared towards Kindergartners. Not much help when you have a social butterfly on your hands.
So, here in a few weeks, I will be a reluctant homeschooler.
I have a question if somebody can help me. I have two kids, one is severely autistic and the other is neurotypical but not very typical indeed. Anyway, my original plan was to homeschool any and all of my children as my default. Then my son as he has grown has become self injurious and aggressive. I worked with his school for a few years and in the end it’s like he came out more crazy. Since he has been out of school he has not been sick nearly as often, he sleeps more, eats better, and has tons of therapy coming up that he would otherwise be waiting on for over a year given the waitlists, but homeschooling has bumped us up. The problem though is that my son’s rep has already been established. No one comes over anymore, no one calls me, etc. I have a 3 year old daughter, my son is going on 8. My 3 yo loves her brother and always wants him around despite the way that he stresses me out. It appears that whether it is in anyone’s best interest or not, my son will not do well unless he is homeschooled completely. I tried to set up playdates thru my local hs group. Last month one person came, but she did not return. My husband took my son so that was not the issue. I spent my whole day cleaning the day before but I feel like the person was a neat freak beyond my means. I have local neighbors, whose language I do speak, but whose cultural differences I do not share. They do not understand anything I do and really no matter how many times I explain, they still think my kids are going to school some day, and they assume that my daughter is socially deprived just because she does not want to separate from me. They constantly dish me out advice and pick at my flaws, such as my acne, to the point it is intolerable.
In other words, I want to hs my kids but I have a feeling that I cannot help them in the socialization dept. I feel like ppl just constantly reject and criticize me, and that no one likes me…and no, I do not have underlying depression. I just have no idea how to make friends. I tried to make friends with a local homeschooler in my small town and she told me she was too busy. Then om facebook she was posting all of her fun with her friends. My own family lives far and they live their lives basically ignoring the fact that there is autism in their family. They think if we are not out in the streets on drugs or what have you then we have no real problems.
The tone of this post is mean spirited and arrogant. I am a homeschooler and this does not represent the community very well. You give little concession for those families who have profoundly disabled children. My son requires multiple therapies every week . We spend more time in the car than we do at home. We don’t homeschool. We carschool. This has put a tremendous strain on our family both emotionally and financially. You seem unsympathetic to the one income family struggling to make It. No, it is not easy for everyone to work a job and be the primary caregiver, teacher, speech therapist, ABA therapist, OT therapist, and all around super woman. I noticed another mom say that she was able to homeschool through seizures and you have mentioned cancer. This is just wrong to compare anyone family’s unique situation to another family. For example, my seizures were so bad I was unable to commicate and was hospitalized for a week. We took a break for a while. My son fell behind and we struggled to get ahead. It is great that you are able to homeschool, but not every parent is mentally and emotionally equipped to homeschool. Some of the most negative comments I have heard about homeschooling have been from former homeschoolers. They were either unprepared by their parents, after being told for years how superior and gifted they were compared to public schooled children or their parents were impatient bordering on abusive and basically ruined their childhood. For you to suggest that it is lazy parenting because someone doesn’t homeschool reckless and cruel. It simple shows that you are either are callous and unfeeling or you are simply unsympathetic to other families. Homeschooling is meant to bring balance to the family dynamic. It is never meant to cause stress not that it isn’t stressful but it should be a positive experience for the whole family not a narcissistic pat on the back for mommy.
I’ve been called worse.
I speak for myself and from my experience, as do you. Isn’t that obvious?
What kinds of “concessions” are you needing beyond what was in the post? I said:
Me:
Do I need to detail every possible situation outside the norm? Come on, it’s a blog post, not a national standard. heh đ
Ao your real beef is that you want sympathy? OK. I’m sorry you have problems. I’m sorry everyone has problems. Some are far worse than yours and some are far better. (Relative privation and all that.) I’m sorry that makes it tough for you. I hope you find a solution that works.
Let’s revisit this with a concentration on accuracy.
I noted in the post itself that I personally knew two women who were dying of cancer (and have both since passes away) who continued to homeschool. I noted that it was an extreme most could not likely do (I know I could not). This was used in the context that those who do not have reasonably good health (such as those dying of cancer) might not be able to homeschool but that someone with a chronic condition like mine isn’t likely to be impeded.
Later, in the comments, a commenter, Debbie Edmonds, offered her own experience where she has homeschooled in spite of having epilepsy with its accompanying problems. I have know her IRL for years and can attest to the truth of her story.
So, no, I didn’t compare her situation to a cancer victim’s. Sometimes people just get their knickers so twisted they can’t read straight. You know?
Which is kind of the exact point of the entire post. You did read it, right?
This is why homeschooling parents “ruin” their children by claiming superiority. Their children can READ.
You will note that the word lazy doesn’t appear anywhere in the post. To read “you don’t want to” as laziness is odd. I don’t want to eat dirt. Does that mean I’m lazy? Or that I have other preferences. (Hint: the latter actually makes sense.)
Really? Why do you get to define this? And under what logic does this criteria work? Personally I can think of almost zero really great things that don’t cause some stress. Interesting difference, no?
There is a pretty substantial difference between “Everyone CAN” do something and “everyone SHOULD.” This blog reads as a declaration of the latter. You’ve decided that the reason people respond poorly to this is that they don’t want to hear the truth, when in reality, I think the reason they reject this is because it’s written through a lens of arrogance and judgment.
Am I smart enough to home school my kids? Sure. Does that mean I’m better equipped to do it than someone with a passion for education who’s been thoroughly trained to that end? Heck, no. And what if I’ve been hardwired with a passion for something outside of home schooling? My kids are getting a solid education and can watch their mom pursue the things she was born to do.
Beyond that, some of us are single parents and have to put bread on the table. This blog feels short sighted and judgmental in a really arrogant way. Not a huge fan for that reason.
Kaeley:
Only if you’re intent on misreading. (Or not reading.) As I said explicitly:
If you tell homeschoolers you donât want to homeschool, most will shrug and say, âFine.â For the most part, we really donât care what you do with your family.
If you tell them you canât because X, they are likely to try to help you solve X. (As any good friend would!) And then, the non-homeschooler, usually gets angry and defensive and comes up with another X that is the supposed cause. (That we also try to solve. And that also results in anger and defensiveness.)
The majority of education majors (see Sells, et al) choose the major to avoid upper level math. It’s not generally about “passion for education.” In most cases, it’s the ease of the degree. And, as I also noted, education degrees are not only considered the easiest of all, but the requirements have little to do with actual subject matter and mostly cover administration and classroom management. (Which is actually the real problem with implementing math programs that are mostly rote memorization.) There isn’t much to the argument that teachers are more qualified, more passionate about either the subject OR your child’s education, have more expertise, or much else.
As I said in the post (did you really read it?), I could not care less. If you don’t want to homeschool, I’m happy for you. Good. Go live your dream! Just don’t tell me you cannot do so and produce a bogus X. Because if we were friends, I’d tried to be a good friend and help you see that it was bogus.
That said, I’m not much about claiming hardwiring as some kind of justification for anything. We have preferences. Sometimes we make choices that follow them and sometimes that don’t. I’m hoping that most parents will do what’s right rather than just what they prefer. (And, no, I’m not saying homeschooling is always right. I’m saying that if it were in the case of a particular child, I’d hope the parent would override their personal indulgence.)
AhâŠanother X.
Having parents who work full-time isn’t a bogus reason. However, you should note that there are thousands of working parents who adjust their work schedules to homeschool and thousands of working single parents who actually still homeschool with great success. Not easy, but possible. (My husband works full time and I work as a web tech from home.)
So if you don’t want to, fine. I do not care. If you think being a working single parent must be a deal breaker, it isn’t. So if you bring it up, you might try not to get your knicker in a twist if homeschoolers tell you how other single working parents managed it.
This blog is little more than unadulterated self-righteousness of the variety that creates the age-old stereotypes against the homeschool population. Wanna know why home schoolers get a bad rap for being narrow-minded, judgmental, and culturally impotent?
You think a child is really going to get a better education from a mom who works graveyard shifts so she can come home and give the rest of her non-existent energy to the task of educating her kids? That’s just ignorant. Just because something CAN be done doesn’t mean it’s best. Balance is best. Kids need to grow up with moms, not martyrs who are guilted into taking on more than they should have to so they can avoid the self-righteous condescension of people like you.
Also, your argument about the reasons people become education majors is absolute hogwash, rooted in nothing other than a stubbornly ignorant commitment to your ego. Shame on you! They don’t want to do hard math? Surely this is not what you believe! Hats off to the thousands of educators who choose to commit themselves to an often thankless profession, the dismissive attitude of people like you, and a meager salary because they are PASSIONATE about their calling to serve children and pave the way to a better future. Maybe if you got outside the confines of your own walls once in awhile, you’d meet a couple who would change your mind.
I won’t hold my breath. I don’t have time. Gotta get back to my selfish job so I can put food on the table for my kids. And the one thing I can guarantee they will learn from me, is that it’s NEVER okay to indulge a critical spirit that insists on reducing others for the sake of elevating their own egos. It’s called bullying, and we don’t do that in our house. Over and out.
Kaeley, your comment is little more than unadulterated thoughtlessness of the variety that creates the age-old stereotypes about the public school population. Wanna know why public schoolers get a bad rap for being close-minded, judgmental, and cultural conformers?
Kaeley, once again, reading actual words comes into play here. If you can point to where I made this claim, I’ll answer it directly. If you can’t (and you can’t) you’ll have to forgive me for not responding as if your straw man is a real discussion point.
If you’d like to address a point I actually made (as opposed to one you are fabricating in anger), we can have a chat about it.
And your point is? (Hint: implication of straw man, again.)
Balance is bogus. What does it even mean? Balance my need for lounging with my child’s need for a clean diaper? Balance my desire for long nights at the club with my child’s need for stability? (Seriously, try to make sense of it outside of cliched one-liners.)
This is your guilt talking, Kaeley. I can’t tell you why you’ve decided to feel guilty about this, only you can explain.
I’m not remotely a martyr, but more to the point I don’t give a flying crap about how you educate your kids. Could I be any more clear about that? Not only do I have no interest in “guilting” you into homeschooling, I don’t even have a desire to convince you. I do not care what you do. My only desire is that you see clearly whether your “reasons” are rational. Or not. And, perhaps, to get non-homeschoolers to stop giving irrational reasons.
Most of my friends are not homeschoolers (which should be statistically obvious). I don’t give a flying crap about the fact that they use public schools, either. In fact, all my now-college kids took a few classes in public school. My current senior goes to a performing arts school part-time. You might note that I’m not morally opposed to using schools as an educational source. Do you think I’m “guilting” myself for doing so?
Actually, it’s rooted in research. Published, peer-reviewed research. I gave you one source if you actually care to do some research yourself. (Is that suggestion “guilting” you too much? I would never want to do that!)
Let me explain something (that I already explained in the comments (but, you know, you’d have to read to know thatâŠ)). My bachelor’s degree is in theater management. It’s half business, one quarter music, one quarter theater, with a lot of dance extras. On the other hand, my husband has a PhD in electrical engineering. Common sense should tell everyone that my husband’s degrees are more academically rigorous than mine. If I’m not willing to admit the obvious, that would be a case of ego. But I am. And education majors who are rational will acknowledge the same about the lack of academic and subject rigor in their own departments. If they can’t (or won’t) that might tell you something about their ability to analyze facts.
Education is one of the most lauded professions on the planet. (See your own quote, above.) The salary isn’t remotely meager given (1) the educational requirements, (2) the schedule, (3) the perks and tenure (which is absurd below a college level), or (4) the competition (given, yes, the ease of obtaining the degree). (And, for the love of pete, please don’t go down the path about how teachers work horrendous hours because they grade papers at night. Most salaried individuals aren’t bound to a 9:00-5:00 work schedule. In other words, this is normal.) Stats and facts are hard things.
My dismissiveness has nothing to do with particular teachers, but everything to do with overblown, inaccurate, and blatantly false claims about the teaching profession. (Again, see your quote, above.)
Remember, dear, I’ve chosen to beâŠwait for itâŠa teacher! For free! (Talk about meager.) Why aren’t you praising me for my passion and calling and commitment?! It’s so unfair!
Again, let’s look at the real world. Two of my kids are musical theater performers. It’s highly competitive because lots of people want to do it (for various reasons) and most people have at least tried to sing (because they have a voice). Many performing opportunities are UNPAID. (What???)
Do you wonder why I’m not blogging about “the thousands of performers who commit themselves to an often thankless profession, the dismissive attitudes of so many, and the non-existent salary”? Because I’m willing to note the facts rather than just get all emotional and angry about the situation and start flinging ad hominem at people who are willing to talk about those pesky thing.
I suggest that I’m outside my cubicle a lot more than you are. (And I don’t have a cubicleâŠsoâŠ) But, hey, let’s get together over cocoa and compare schedules. OK?
Yes, Kaeley, you never, ever indulge a critical spirit. NEVER! You go, girl!
Iâve been following this article since it first came up because Iâm one of those people who has a few home school friends and felt guilty I wasnât doing âas muchâ for my kids. I would get angry that they would try to answer me when I said, âI am not patientâ or âI have a toddler.â I told me husband they were just arrogant and self-righteous.
Then I read this post and I GOT IT. Thank heavens I did because it saved some friendships. Once I stopped trying to prove that there were all these impossible barriers to keep me from home schooling my friends never tried to âconvinceâ me again, even when they outnumbered me.
My advice to Kaely it to just get your back down and try to listen. Youâre not being attacked, but YOU are attacking others. If you take the time to step back and really read the message you will find none of the things you keep saying. Like when you said this “Gotta get back to my selfish job so I can put food on the table for my kids.â I actually laughed out loud because it was really just so dumb. No one said that to you, but you think you can make it seem like it was just to gain sympathy. That only works with people who are just as dumb.
I will probably never home school and Iâm good with that. My kids, my choice. I am doing the best I can for them and none of my home school friends have a problem with that.
P.S. You are completely right about education majors. Iâve seen some of the research because it was part of my study. My mom and my sister are school teachers. (Another reason I will probably never homeschool, there would be HELL to pay.) They are smart and good people, but itâs NOT a hard degree compared to most others, thatâs just true.
Even the title of this piece is inflammatory, competitive, and divisive in nature. This isn’t designed to encourage moms; it’s designed to judge them. She DID say it was selfish for people to choose not to home school. Maybe you ought to read the string of her responses which label all other reasons “excuses.”
Call me names and insult my intelligence all you want. This is a mean spirited post meant to glorify herself at the expense of others. That’s not cool, and I think it’s fantastically representative of everything people hate about home school moms.
I’ll pray you find whatever you’re looking for in this crusade of yours. I’m not going to continue trading insults and fueling your fire. I think you’re wrong and incredibly addicted to your own ego, and I think you ought to reconsider your bottom line before doing more damage, but I don’t think it’s my responsibility to bulldoze you into agreement. I’m not going to waste any more time here. You’ve lost my interest and made this entire line of reasoning quite easy to reject as nonsense. Best of luck!
Kaeley, I really tried to reason with you and to get you to see something really important. You aren’t reading what anyone is saying you are just angry. It’s like saying, “Hey Kaeley, look at this cake. It’s my favorite!” And you scream back, “You terrible person, acting like I never made cake for my children!!”
I don’t even know what you’re talking about.
***She DID say it was selfish for people to choose not to home school.***
OK WHERE did she say that. I’ve been following this post since it was written in 2013 and I’ve never seen it and don’t see it now. You are making it up. Show me! You can copy and paste. It’s not that hard!
***Maybe you ought to read the string of her responses which label all other reasons âexcuses.â***
Do you even know what the word *excuses* means?
** a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense
** release (someone) from a duty or requirement
** seek to defend or justify
Isn’t that the whole point of the article? Someone says, “I CAN’T home school because of X.” and X is something that half the home schoolers in the room ALSO have to deal with. So it’s not a REAL REASON not to home school, it’s just something people USE to PRETEND they CAN’T do something when the real reason is JUST LIKE ME they do not WANT to do it.
Here I am the NOT EVER GOING TO HOME SCHOOL person and I’m defending the home schoolers because I finally get how dense we can be when we get defensive about our choices. haha Never thought I’d be doing that!
So glad I finally put on my big girl pants and took responsibility for my choices!
***Call me names and insult my intelligence all you want.***
Pot, meet kettle. Did you read your own comments. Look, here comes another one of your insults! Watch out before it hits you in the head!
***This is a mean spirited post meant to glorify herself at the expense of others. Thatâs not cool, and I think itâs fantastically representative of everything people hate about home school moms.***
Nice one. :p
Dear home school moms. Only idiot women hate home school moms. This woman doesn’t represent the rest of us. đ
I just responded to Kaeley but it didn’t show up. Is something wrong?
Brenda Cramer, you used a different name on the other post so it was modded. I think it’s fixed now. đ
Kaeley:
Of course it’s not “designed to encourage moms.” What should it be encouraging them to do? And, of course again, it’s designed to judge them. It’s judging the fact that most people who claim they cannot homeschool actually can homeschool.
It’s all about the difference between the phrases, “I canno do that” and “I don’t want to do that.” One places blame outside ourselves, the other embraces the responsibility. As I said, in most cases, the cannot simply isn’t true.
[As an aside, please note that you have no problem at all with mothers being judged by other mothers, as your own comments prove.]
Oh, let me clarify. The “crusade” is to get people (like you) to think logically and rationally when discussing how/when/where to educate their children. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in your case. But people like Brenda Cramer give me hope! Woohoo!
Too bad we’ll never be able to discuss actual points addressed (as opposed to fabricated ones) or find out what specific things you think are nonsense. You’d have to read the actual post and comments and then discuss specifics to do so and apparently you aren’t interested in that. Should you change your mind, I’ll be here! đ
Bahahaha! Alison, did you really spend time on your BIRTHDAY dealing with this nut job? I’m so sorry! You should’ve told me, I would’ve taken care of her!
Kaeleybooboo, back off. I have known Alison since just after college. I knew her before she STARTED homeschooling from an AOL discussion room (family computers or something like that?)! She is smart and willing to speak up, but has never tried to “guilt” anyone into homeschooling. I know, because I don’t do it myself and we talk about this stuff all the time.
I’m embarrassed that you won’t even try to understand another point of view in your myopic world. And not just that. You not only don’t try to understand, you aggressively attack people and views that you haven’t considered or even read carefully. Good lord almighty.
Alison is the most open person I know in the sense of being willing to discuss contrary points of view at great length. When other bloggers just ban people they don’t like, she welcomes people who disagree with her. But you abuse that privilege by just being a full frontal fool.
The really crazy thing is that if you took a BREATH and came back with a thoughtful response, she would STILL talk to you and let bygones be bygones. I know that because I’ve seen it over and over and over. But if you’re just going to act yourself a fool, don’t bother.
Fantine??? Haha, are you who I think you are? Holy heck, how are you?
Yes, this was my special birthday treat between our family dinner and the epic bike ride and cake. LOL Such is the life of a blogger! (I was going to ask how you remembered that, but don’t you have a son whose birthday is tomorrow? Right?)
Thank you for the defense and character witness! Wow, it was Family Computing where I worked before I started homeschooling. Then I moved to the Homeschooling area. đ What a great time that was, in a weird, cutting edge tech way. Oh, the philosophical and ethical debates we all had. It was such a new thing back then! heh
So good to “see” you, old friend! (Don’t forget the pink crayons!)
For some reason I read the comments first and just now found the post. Maybe the facebook link was to a comment or something. Anyway, I saw this “Even the title of this piece is inflammatory, competitive, and divisive in nature.” and wanted to comment.
Sometimes if we are in a certain mindset, even just a neutral fact can seem that way. I attribute the comments of ProudLiberal (which I won’t quote) and Kaeley to how their mindset predisposed them to interpret facts through a negative filter.
ProudLiberal just doesn’t like conservative-like positions. Kaeley seems to have some other agenda. Mostly defensiveness, probably because she has already been down the path of trying to justify her decision to send her kids to school with things that don’t make sense. Point that out and it just makes her mad.
As you said, she could just say, “Hey, in our situation, it’s not something I’d like to pursue.” Easy peasy.
For the sake of awareness, I have never home schooled and don’t think I ever will. This was sent me by the teacher of a neighbor with whom I have discussed education.
NotButta, thank you! Yessiree.
I agree that there are often (not just in Kaeley’s case) underlying issues that feed into the response. Many times I’ve heard people say, “When I tell homeschool moms I can’t homeschool, they always argue with me.” When I have been able to either dig down into that claim or witness it myself, it’s not arguing with them. Rather, it’s trying to help the solve their stated problem.
Because the stated problem often really is not a barrierâbut rather a public excuseâthey speaker takes offense at the solution. Having a solution to the stated problem means they speaker must now either come up with another reason (or, you know, just fling ad hominem accusations at solution provider by calling them, shall we say, arrogant, egotistical, critical, mean-spirited, judgmentalâŠyou get my point).
The problem is that in most cases there is no reason they cannot homeschool. There may be lots of reasons they do not want to. But they prefer to claim cannot of want not, generally because they don’t like to take the responsibility of the choice.
Honestly, I don’t understand the mindset. I can send my kids to public school full-time, but I don’t want to. I can send them to private school, but don’t want to. I can homeschool them 100% without any outside classes, but I don’t want to do that either. My kids, my choice. Embrace the choice, embrace the accountability.
I just came back to read this post again and I gotta tell you, it just makes me smile every time. I think I’ve finally realized that when people tell me they can’t homeschool because of “x” I can simply reply, “But do you WANT to homeschool?” Duh. I don’t know why I never thought of that before. It would clear the air so quickly in those situations!!! Thanks for the clarity and the laughs in the comments. ( :
Brilliant response!
Thank you so much for this! You have have definitely clarified my struggle. I keep coming back to the question over and over: to homeschool or not to homeschool? My son is not quite 3 and my daughter is still baking, so I do still have some time. With the public education system slowly going down the toilet (and me not being a morning person! lol) I kept thinking that homeschooling might be a better option, because of seeing a friend post things on Facebook about her homeschooled kids’ curiosity and LOVE of learning(i didn’t know that was possible at that age!), and all the different “field trips” they take and the way the subject matter just sticks with them because it simply a part of their every day lives, instead of the out-of-context route memorization that the public school system largely employs.
I really want that for my kids. And I used to think that my horrible procrastination and complete lack of planning and organization skills were the problem. But i’ve realized after reading your article that the biggest problem is that I simply don’t want to. Up til now, i felt guilty about it and didn’t want to admit it. and I desperately wish that I wanted to, which I think is why I keep coming back to it. But unless my kiddos end up with my nearly insurmountable ADHD-(inattentive type) that would most likely have greatly benefited from the one-on-one, more individualized models of learning that homeschooling employs, …it’s probably not gonna happen.